a heart full of emotions

My heart is feeling and trying to process more then I ever knew it could right now. My sweet sister Courtney has come to the point of needing one-on-one attention all the time, sooner then we thought she would, and so due to some things going on, I'm heading home a little bit early. She needs lots of loving support and attention. She needs someone who can focus on her completely and make her their priority. Logistically right now for my parents that's becoming impossible. I also am one of the people in her life that knows and understands her the best. I know that this is Jesus' plan and after making this decision, He's only confirmed it over and over. I have peace about it, my family has peace about it and the Murray's have peace about it. Our Jesus is good and it's been really neat to watch His plan unfold. I'm going to do what I know I need to do right now, and He is completely taking care of this end. Little did we know, He was already lining someone up to fill in the gap for the Murray's after I leave. This was His plan long before it was ours. His ways are not always my ways, but I'm learning to trust Him completely more and more. So it's official…I have a ticket to home April 8th-about a month before the original plan.

I can't even completely put into words how that makes my heart feel.

I'm so incredibly excited to see my family next month…like I can't even tell you!!! I miss them like crazy. I have been blessed hugely with the family that I have and I can't wait to get back home to them and to everything that home means to me. I'm excited to see my friends, to get plugged back into my church, continue my education, eat a taco…and a beef hamburger and so on….

At the same time, it was already hard to think about leaving and so trying to process leaving a month earlier then anticipated has been tough. I've fallen in love with this place. Saying goodbye to life here is going to be hard. All of the time, relationships that have been built, memories that have been made, life that has been lived, growing that my Jesus done in me….all of it. The food, smells, busyness. Just India in general. It's such a different world over here and I'm going to miss it. Even some things that I didn't think I would.

When I think back to the month or so before I left Fayetteville to move to India, I remember a lot of these feelings very well. It was incredibly bittersweet. I think the difference though, it that I was going into so many unknowns. I was so excited to go and to experience whatever it was that my Jesus had for my life over the next year, but I had no idea how special it would be. I didn't know what it was going to be like, so I had no idea what I was missing. Now I know. Now I know what it's like to live here. To have amazing friends. To have the blessing of interacting with, loving and teaching sweet orphans. To be exposed to so much need. To live and learn a culture other then your own. To experience new places. To watch new businesses develop. To experience being put way out of your comfort zone, and grow more then you imagined. To watch my Jesus work in amazing, amazing ways in Dehradun India.

And now that I know, it's going to be hard to leave.
Because now my heart is pulled in two different directions.

I'm so thankful for this past year. I'm so thankful for the opportunity of a life time. I could describe it a million different ways, but I think the best way to put it would be full.

When I step off that plane back in Fayetteville AR, I will be stepping off as a person who is so much fuller then when I left. I wouldn't trade my time here for anything. The good, the bad, the hard, the fun, the stretching, the molding, the joy, the tears-all of it. It has made me different in so many ways. He's changed me. And continues to do so. My Jesus has filled my heart and mind up more then I could imagine.

I think the thing that I'm trying to focus on the most right now, is remembering and believing that Jesus has His best for me wherever He leads next. Because that's how He works. When you are in His will, that is where you are going to be the most content and filled. That is also where you are going to have the ability to be the biggest blessing to those around you. I'm remembering that He already knows. I'm remembering that I need to trust. I'm remembering that though change is hard, change is good. We just keep moving forward. I'm excited to take this year, and all the growing and learning that came with it, and use it to go into this next phase of life a changed person, with a fresh & grown perspective on His world. And I'm excited about whatever He's got next.